The Contents of My Head

“Just Give Me a Reason” – Pink (earworm from hell)

“Daylight” Maroon 5

“One More Night” – Maroon 5

Adam Levine (He can stay.)

Ringing in my ears. Although it’s diminished during the day, at night it’s still bad when I’m trying to go to sleep.

Students and classes from 15 years of teaching.

Disappointment that I was never able to be the teacher I knew I could be.

The moment when I found out Mom’s doctors couldn’t do anything about the small bowel obstruction and were recommending hospice.

What I did while my mother was dying.

What I didn’t do while my mother was dying.

Mom’s suffering during the last month of her life.

All the people who supported me/us during that terrible month.

Not saying goodbye to Mom. We didn’t get to say goodbye to each other.

Pictures of my sister and me when we were children – we look happy.

Painful discussions and disagreements with my sister.

Photographs and keepsakes from my mother’s life.

Boxes of files and papers and cards and lists – remnants of my mother’s life, now in my garage.

Boxes of files and papers and cards (no lists) – remnants of my life, strewn about my house.

The things on my to-do list.

The things on my “I’m behind on doing” list. It’s a long one.

Mental illness and all the ways it’s affected my life.

All the reasons it took me so long to find my happiness.

A relationship I’m not quite sure what to do with.

Guilt over ending a sentence with a preposition.

A longing to put the past behind me and embrace the future.

7 thoughts on “The Contents of My Head

  1. Once again – I am in awe of your pureness and candidness in your writing. I am going to make my own list of the contents of my mind. I would like to email them to you if that is okay. Maybe we can work on learning to say goodbye to the thoughts that fill our mind with guilt and negativity and focus on the the thoughts that we can use to make our lives better. I love your posts, always have and am always in awe of your willingness to share the truth. xoxoxo Melissa

  2. Melissa, yes! I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s holding me back from getting the things I want out of life. Heck, I think about what’s holding me back from even identifying the things I want out of life! I would love to work on this with you. I know there’s so much more I can do/be/learn/enjoy, and I also know that I can’t get there alone. With people like you, Debbie, and Chris in my life, I just might make it!

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